drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
