Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
