It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
