Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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