I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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