your thong is hanging out like whoa
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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