dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
