Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Houston, we have a squirter
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
