if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
