I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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