just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
