if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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