his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
