The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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