Where did you get a picture of my penis
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
