I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
