If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
