I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
