I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
