Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
