dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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