I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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