evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
