Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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