can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
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