That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
