I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
