I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
