Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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