new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This is the high leading the old right now
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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