Yo dont text me then not text me
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
