WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
