I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
