Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
