Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
