he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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