I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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