I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
