went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Randomize
