I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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