69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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