Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
sarcasm needs its own font
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
