I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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