You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Reggie can tackle my bush.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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