My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
