i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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