I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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