i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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