This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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