THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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