im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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